(a) Even with the craziness that we all had to experience, everything was still in a transitional phase for me, and still attempting to solve the corners I already ordered myself into. Considering that I really wasn’t well versed and outgoing with meeting new people (didn’t really think I deserved anything better in the slightest at the time), etc. Trans and dysphoria stuff pretty much impacted and bolstered everything as well; nothing less and nothing more.
It’s kind of a blur when you think about it in retrospect, yet it is so painful to remember thanks to the sheer facts of the matter; crying on a nightly basis, thinking I had no place (talent wise, pretty much when compared to everyone else) at that institution, and initially not gelling with anyone in particular, either due to my introverted and occasionally treating (as well as referring) myself like garbage in front of others; etc.
Regardless of the tears and emotions I had to power through, I’m still glad that I went through this turbulence as it makes me the person that I am today regardless (in the greatest way possible, as well in a variety of manners). Ironically, despite the initial hardships, I still feel more comfortable in this city than I did at home, and my home is a place I don’t really want to go back to, minus Cedar Point of course.
(b) The only thing I want this year is a calm headspace regardless of what goes on in the world. I remember in class saying that I wanted all if my worries to go away, which inadvertantly lands itself into everything that I've said already. It's quite funny how well my academic life is going when compared to you guessed it, even if the remainder of reality isn't as enjoyable or fruitful compared to the former.
I honestly can't imagine what I truly want to do in the oncoming future, largely because I don't know who I'll simply be in that time. I still generally hope that I can do something filmmaking related, either in the realms of making it or writing a piece of criticism in a magazine or site dedicated to this form of art. I do generally hope I can engage in hobbies such as playing music; picking up something new would be quite amazing.
I just simply wish that my life is "perfect" and "stress-free" in the future, yet sometimes I question if any of this will actually happen or not, but I still have hope on my side. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to arrive at the bright end of the dark tunnel I'm currently in, I guess.
(c) The utopias we all envision are the truly unbelievable realities far too amazing for the human brain to comprehend or even experience in the slightest tangible form, sometimes not even having the proper thoughts and brain-stemmed conceptions about what we would want to think and dream about. That’s something that plagues me, as I find myself always glued to the ensuing moment that occurs right in front of me, solely due to the fact of me not being able to find or see myself in an ideal world or even future for that matter, largely because I simply don’t know who I’ll be or where I am in this partiucular land of perfection that may come to us eventually.
I’ve always been in a stasis of movement and reconstruction to the point where I can’t imagine what the ideal self that I’ll be able to experience in future will be, and that’s largely down to a variety of reasons. But no matter what world I may be in once I achieve want I want to achieve (personality and career options), I’ve always found a particular enjoyment of actually existing, experiencing, and contemplating about the things that I love to ingest, whether if it is related to the realms of film, spending time with the people that I admire (or randomly encounter in a wonderful manner), taking in new experiences, or even hobbies like playing music for instance.
For this project however, I’d kind of like to find a mental and visual accompaniment to what fuels me as a person, generating the environment of what type of headspace that seems to be like a utopia. The aforementioned activities in the preceding paragraph is the tangible reason why I exist to begin with, as there is so much to prominently engage on whenever it comes to a certain aspect of life, or even a particular interest or passion for something. If there was a perfect utopia in the future that I could fully realize, it would definitely comprise of the activities previously mentioned, but along with a calm headspace; a meditative environment in where all worries and demons go away, intercut with periods of solace, silence, serenity, growth, space, peaceful solitude and among other things too long to mention.
Obviously, I have the distinct ability and disability of not being able to see who I’ll be and what I’ll do in the future, as well as me waltzing around in the moment and the conjoined experiences when enacting in this action. But if there is a way for me to combine the two realities and mindsets together, it would be a match made in heaven for me to properly conceive. Because of my beliefs as mentioned earlier, I haven’t fully eaten the apple of what medium I’ll jump into when regarding extraneous resources and supplies I can get my tiny skeleton hands onto (the only sources that have been utilized so far are related to the Glitch page, and were added by fellow classmates like myself; both links related to the monarch and its overall evolution and metamorphosis as a being; one of the links had a small typed piece at the beginning of the channel posted on my page; “real time is social media time..”), but considering that I enjoy new experiences (even if I’m not the best at them in the slightest possible manner, I’ll love it regardless no matter how things turn out once everything is all and done), I honestly wouldn’t mind doing something new and fresh either; a challenge worth accepting; we’re all meant to conquer something no matter how tall the mountain is or what it specifically pertains to.